Car Connoisseur

I’ve already pointed out some vehicles from 2005 to avoid. Here are a few rides that, in most cases, are solid vehicles. If you have certain expectations in mind, approach with caution.

Chrysler Sebring Convertible

This is one of the holdovers from the old Chrysler/Mitsubishi alliance, generally considered as the LeBaron’s descendant. Any car that George Costanza lusts over should raise a red flag. Queen of the rental car fleets in mild climates, the Sebring has been going strong since the mid 90s. It’s a staple of Florida retirement communities and guys in their late 50s trying to look cool. It’s a reasonably reliable vehicle, moderately powered and has a comprehensive list of amenities. Purchase any Sebring now through December 31st and receive a six month trial of Propecia hair loss medication.

Jeep Wrangler

I had the misfortune of driving a 2002 model of the Jeep Wrangler, which differs little from the current model year. I had to go to my general practitioner afterwards to make sure I hadn’t become impotent. That’s how harsh the ride is on this buggy. Now, I’m sure the ride is just fine off road, but for anything on road, just avoid. Wrong tool for the job folks. However, it helped win the war (WWII that is) and is popular with outdoorsy types. The Wrangler is also the company car for a vast majority of college fraternities.

Volkswagen Jetta

Much as the Jeep Wrangler is the company car for college fraternities, the Jetta is the fleet special for sororities. A great deal of thought has gone into the new for 2006 Jetta, but the inline 5 cylinder engine fails to excite. Opt for the GLI if you must have this chick car. Questionable reliability also continues to plague VW. I personally drove a 2000 Golf GTI (platform sister to the Jetta) for two years, having purchased it at the end of 1999. Let’s just say I still get Christmas cards from the service manager at my old dealership. My car alone, had it not been under warranty, would have paid for his daughter’s periodontal work.

Volkswagen Beetle Convertible

If you drive one of these you are A) a woman or B) gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. If you want a Volkswagen ragtop, I suggest the original Beetle, probably around a 1967 model year in vintage. Much less complex and much more cool. Nothing else to report here that’s different from the regular Beetle. A decent car, but you could look like a tool.

Land Rover Discovery

This is what the rich fraternity members drive. The Discovery (now the LR3 in the U.S. market) is a perfectly capable off road vehicle, but unless you’re headed to Orvis and/or planning to chase rhino through the African plains, it isn’t that practical. It’s quite tall, which leads to a high center of gravity and scary handling at the limits. You also seem to sit on the truck rather than in it. Still, British charm does shine through and those looking for something different in their recreation vehicles might be well suited to this rig.

MINI Cooper

This is probably a car that transcends all socio-economic classes. Young and old, rich and poor, those with good taste and bad can be seen gallivanting around town in these Anglo/Germanic runabouts. However, there are limitations. If you are a lead foot, avoid the S, unless you feel brave. Since everyone and their brother are driving motel rooms on wheels (AKA SUVs) nowadays, it’s hard to see around these things at times in traffic. That’s OK. When I drive my dad’s, I view them as moving pylons. First to finish the road race wins. If you’re open minded, aren’t your typical American who thinks bigger is better or needs ice rink sized interior room, don’t just think about getting one of these. Buy one and park it in the back of your Suburban.

Scion xB

Toyota thought they could pull a fast one and create a hip new division to pawn off restyled versions of the same bland product. The Scion range consists of three models. The tidy xA city car, the surprisingly good looking tC coupe and this ridiculous monstrosity, the xB. Yakamoto and Tanaka over at Toyota R&D must have had too much Saki on a Friday afternoon. “Hey, you know that Cuisinart blender I have at home?? Let’s style the front end of this Corolla like it and then just put a big box on the back. Then we can sell it to all these crazy kids who are into breakdancing and skateboarding.”

Toyota Camry

Last but not least, the Toyota Camry. For the record, I have several friends who drive Camry’s, so I’ll probably catch hell for this (except from one who realizes his mistake). So be it. Driving a Camry relays the following to the world: I give up. Camrys are perfectly reliable cars. And that’s it. Recently, I spent some seat time in a 2006 Camry LE four cylinder that a friend rented for business. Let’s review…

Now, let’s get one thing straight. I don’t need a top fuel dragster for my everyday use. I would, however, like my car to have some get up and go. I want to know that said vehicle will be able to get out of its way and keep up with traffic. The Camry inspired no such confidence. Said vehicle’s suspension also made me nauseous. I know you’re saying, “but Paul, opt for the V6 engine.” No thanks, bigger engines aren’t always the answer. I’ve driven cars in Playstation games that have a more realistic driving experience.

It also amuses me that they still offer a manual transmission in the base trim level. That’s like giving a pair of $150 running shoes to someone with arthritis. The car’s handling is less than adequate and in the case of the V6, the added power gives the sedan a proclivity to head for the hedges in quick manuvers.

The Camry is the perfect car if you are looking for something which asks little of its owner. If you want style, performance and verve, look elsewhere. Beware: Lexus rebadges the Camry as the ES330. Same dull driving dynamics with added gadgets and a higher sticker price. Toyota sold just under 427,000 of these things in 2004, placing it as the third best selling vehicle in the United States. Over 400,000 people can be wrong.